My DiaryLand Diary

2005-09-18 - 10:46 a.m.

just checking.

2004-02-16 - 4:17 p.m.

O.k, that was funny! Whoever changed my password...very good! lol But that still hasn't fixed my template...let's see if this works!

2004-02-13 - 9:44 p.m.

Hey, this is some random guy that was wandering across your website. You gave me the password and you gave me your user name so I thought I would post an entry. Not only that, but I changed your password. Hope you didn't need to use this user name in the future. Peace out.

2004-02-13 - 6:52 p.m.

Ok, check this out, Have fun with this guys! Here's my username: bub66ohm password: rachel (my oldest monkey). Go to it! If ya fix it, I will either give you incredible sex or write a song for ya (more likely incredibly bad sex and a terrible tune!) lol. I was thinking that ya could even write a couple of entries for me if ya wanted, I would so do it if I had the chance with your guy's notes. e.g. : groovebunny--- I finally gave into bub's advances and made him my love slave. I have him tied up underneath the bed. or pixie's -----I finally gave into bub's advances and made him my love slave. I have him... rofl, ya get the point, have fun and don't break any laws of the known universe. I'll be back tomorrow to pickup the beer bottles! lol. bye!

2004-02-10 - 1:19 p.m.

Guess what, Bub? Ya forgot to log out! Ya know, I could do anything! i.e.- Change your profile to say "nubile young man-child looking for father figure to inflict punishment and incessant spankings", or make nonsensical, insane entries in your diary about porcupines and cream cheese.

MWAAAH HA HAAAA!!!!!

I'm giddy with power!

(Jeez....I feel simply diabolical!)

Okay. You can erase this now.

XO........Christina

2004-02-08 - 5:49 p.m.

Allright, I have totally screwed up my diaryland template. I don't know how to access my past entries. Help! In other news, there is none. Been playing a lot of guitar which is good. Haven't used any mind altering chemical in about 40 somedays. Not counting nicotine and caffiene cuz they don't fuckin count! I've put about 20 pounds on my skinny ass frame in the last 40 days which is really good. I was down to about 120 pounds. Rock chic thin. Fuck that shit man! I think that I'm starting to feel, how should I put it, happy? again. Except that my mail server is fucked up on 66ohm.com. I can't check my email. I haven't been able to look at it for about 2 weeks. (Last time I had internet access.) Did I tell ya my daughter Grace, she is the most amazing little monkey! I love her and I love Sponge Bob Squarepants! I live so close to her now, it has been just the best. She loves me like no other and I feel the same way about her. I think a lot of the times the things that I am looking for from women are the things that I actually get from her, unconditional love, acceptance, sweet little girl kisses on my cheek(lol), nap time. I love when she falls asleep in my lap while we're watching t.v. My little drooling mess of a girl. I also love the fact that she just trusts me almost implicitly. Nothing to be earned. An unrequited gift from god. grace.

2004-02-08 - 3:18 p.m.

Hey! I am having internet access problems right now. Will start writing again once I have more time. Everything is going ok, nothing happening in my world right now besides work and hanging out with Gracie. Have to go, just wanted to leave a note to say that I haven't died, just been temporarily kicked out of the internet garden! lol bye.

2004-01-25 - 8:57 p.m.

part II

So we go upstairs. I pay the attendant chick the 4 dollars for the room. We go into the room. A bed with nothing but a sheet on it. No blankets, nothing. A chair in the corner. We start to chit-chat me in my bad spanish, her in her bad english. Her name is Rosa Alva. Rosa for short. She is from Vera Cruz. She has one son not quite a year old. She pulls out a condom (I've taken my clothes off) and she puts it on and starts to give me head. She is definitely proficient at this. She's an attractive girl the only thing, they have a different concept of grooming. At least she did, but I've noticed it before with other girls. No shaving. She had armpit air. and a full 70's bush. So we are messing around, and she's actually pretty funny. From what I can understand. She also has a nice smile. Finally, I just have her climb up on top and have her ride it. Now the thing about all this, that you have to understand, is that I know that she is probably not receiving any pleasure from any of this. I know it. At least it's what I think until she tells me she wants to do it doggiestyle. She called it "perrita". I asked her why and from what I could make out she said it was easier for her to cum that way. I thought to myself, "damn, she gets paid and gets off, that's a pretty good deal." Anyway, we started doing it. She came (I guess, lol, I don't know if she was just putting on a show for me, although it felt like it on the inside) and then I came. We sat there for a couple of minutes trying to talk to each other some more. She was 25 years old. I gave her an extra $20 for a tip (it just didn't seem right. I know that the girls in the actual brothels get at least $50.) I gave her a little hug and I was on my way. I walked back to the border (over the bridge that crosses the Tijuana River) and again no children with guitars, no children with chiclets. Kinda strange. I stopped at the sports betting place on my way out and put $20 on the panthers to win the superbowl. Go Panthers! That's just damn fun to say. What I didn't know was that I was in for a half hour wait trying to get back across the border. I made it across the border and took the trolley on up to downtown. That ballpark is fuckin' beautiful. Can't wait to see a game there. I do miss downtown the way it was though. I guess progress or whatever has a price. I guess everything has a price.

2004-01-25 - 6:29 a.m.

OK, I told you that I would do something exciting for you this week and I just got finished at the wire. Friday afternoon I got paid and said to myself, "self, you have been so good this week, You deserve to go lose your money at Barona." I was off. True to form, I was losing, winning, losing, winning. I went to get a slice of pizza over at the food court and as I was walking out noticed the bingo parlor. I haven't played bingo since I was 17 and my mom used to sneak me in. What the hell, I'll go play some bingo with my last 20 bucks, it will remind me of Mom, she'll like that. I go down the stairs and enter this huge room, must have been at least 500 people in there, probably more. When I get to the front of the line to buy my packet I tell the lady that I'm new to this and she helps me and says don't forget her when I win. I laugh and go find my seat. Here I am on a friday night, Mr. big fuckin' rock star, playing bingo with the blue hairs. (I love them though, nice people for the most part). I sit down, and find out that I am totally overmatched by my bingo sheets at first. Don't know what I'm doing as far as what wins and doesn't. Humbling. Finally, the last game of the night is a coverall. blackout bingo. Who is better than blacking out than moi? No one that's who. My specialty! No shit, no lie, I win the last game. (actually have to split the prize with someone else but I still won $600! I get the money and I remembered to tip the lady that helped me when I first got there. She was excited, probably the first time anyone actually won after she gave them the first-timers speech. Problem. I'm in the middle of an Indian Casino with $600! and it's only about 9pm. I end up staying all night trying with all my might to lose this filthy lucre and I can't. By 6am when the first bus gets there I'm still at $600. I get on the bus and it takes me to the trolley station. I get on the trolley and then I remember that I'm supposed to do something to tell you guys about. Well, winning bingo is not going to be my big story of the week, not for about 20 years at least! I'm going to TJ baby! Get myself a hooker (I've been really horny lately, thanks to all the wonderful entries on here, you people are oversexed! lol). I get to the border and cross over. I haven't walked across the border since 9/11. I drove to ensenada about 4 months after that to pick up Anna and the family after a cruise they went on but hadn't been to Tijuana proper. I get through the gates and ask the driver to take me to the Cojilla (I don't think I'm spelling it proper) It's the red light district of tj and he tells me that everything is closed till 10am but he knows a place. I laugh and say that I've heard that one before just drop me off at the northern end of Revolucion, I can find my way from there. He drops me off and I notice that everywhere I look someone has a broom in their hand. The streets are clean. What the hell is going on here? They must be having a public works project over there cuz I thought I was in disneyland. As I turn off into the side streets I get a quick reminder of how things used to be. Two guys are standing in front of a bar and all of a sudden one guy clocks another guy so hard that he falls into a puddle in the middle of the street. Ouch! I quickly walk by that whole scene (I don't feel like landing my gringo ass in a puddle at 7 in the morning, especially sober!) I make my way to Adelita's (a brothel/bar where the girls are fuckin' hot, I mean really hot!) and you know what? That taxi driver wasn't lying. It was closed! The guy at the front door said come back at 10am. I think they are trying to clean that area up. Hardly and street girls and no kids begging for change. Felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. I'm walking back up to Revolucion when I feel a tug on my arm. I look over and it's a pretty girl. "Que Pasa?" me:"Bien. Quanto cuestan?" (my spanish is horrible by the way) she: (veinte dollares y quatro dollares for the room.) me: OK. I will write part two tomorrow this is way too much typing at 6 in the morning. To be continued....

2004-01-22 - 8:10 p.m.

Just got back from hangin with Gracie. We drew pictures. I drew a picture of me, her mom, her, her sister, and her cousin. She drew a picture of me and her. We watched fairy godparents. We danced around to The Ataris. We ate mac and cheese. Had kit kat bars for dessert. Fuck man, if I had that everyday I could hardly want for more. It was the closest thing to feeling like I was in a family situation in a long time. Michelle hung out and was cool, laughing and joking with us. Felt like old times. It was good stuff. Now I am here in front of the computer. I'm ok, though. The nice t hing about being clean is that I'm not an emotional wreck no mo'. Would I love to stay there and hold michelle in my arms and tell her that I love her and never, ever want anyone but her. Sure I would. But it's not to be. I know that. I visited Patty the bartender (the only girl that I know in my real life that I dig hangin with as much as michelle) and she was glad to see me. We haven't been talking to much since that time we messed around over at my place. I try to go over there at least once a week just to say hi. She says I should put a picture of my dick up on the internet and then I would be getting all the girls. rofl. She's crazy. Hmmm... maybe...lol. Ok, I've been kinda in the mood to post my songs on here just so I can excorcise them from me and maybe become open to writing something new so here goes...

Nowhere

words and music by bub 2002

Stand outside the bar

And smoke your cigarette

Tell yourself that

It will be alright

cuz something is too much

to give

When nothing is

all you have

And Nowhere is where your at tonight

Stop and try to listen

What he's saying

But you can't hear

A single word that's said

Cuz no car or plane

Or railroad track

Is ever going

To bring you back

And nowhere is where

You're at tonight

And you wear your heart

On your sleeve just like a fool

Let your tears form in a pool

Let the darkness swallow you

And you play your cards

Hoping you can find a way

To make her want to stay

But your words give you away

2004-01-21 - 8:59 p.m.

I was reading back through my diary last night. From the beginning. I started crying. I've been through a lot this year and just looking back at what I wrote (and what I didn't write for months) all caught up with me. This diary thing is a real cool thing as far as seeing where you've been at the time that you were there. No rose colored glasses. I also noticed what a retard that I am, I keep posting the same lyrics to the same songs. I guess it means maybe those are the ones that I love the most. Took off from work early today and took a nice 3 hour nap. I LOVE naps. Especially on a cloudy day like we had here today. Talked to my little monkey gracie today and she was crying saying she missed me. My little pookie! I started crying too (guess maybe it's my time of the month? lol) cuz I miss her too. She was being bad though, and Michelle was tired so I told her that I would come by tomorrow to see her. I know this might sound shitty, because I have other kids, but I probably love Grace more than anything else in this entire fuckin world. Maybe because she is the baby and she is still little girl sweet and loves me like no one else. Ok, I'm starting to cry again (what the fuck is a matter with me?) Ok, here's a topic: Oral sex on the first date? give me a minute...lol. here's another song while you're thinking.

Flying

words and music by bub 2003

Staring out the window

Waiting for a friendly face

To pass me by

I think I'm reaching

but I see a pretty girl

Begin to smile

And as we drive on by

I lean back on my seat

And sigh

A jet passes over

And reminds me that I want to ...

Fly

spread my broken wings

And reach so high

Listening to my breathing

Counting sheep that fleece

Me of my dreams at night

I think I'm reaching

But I dream of hold her

Again so tight

And as the neon hums

I shade myself from test patterns

A jet passes over and

Reminds me that I want to ...

fly

spread my broken wings

And reach so high

2004-01-20 - 8:32 p.m.

Love. It's a strange thing. Do you LOVE anyone on diaryland? Anyone on the internet that you have never met but have some kind of cyber relationship with them? Well, I have. I DO. I mean some of y'all I just plain lust after cuz you're so godamn freaky that it totally appeals to my own freak side. Then there are others where for whatever reason they just make ya feel things that would ordinarily be feelings reserved for your intimate friends. Not sexual. I remember before I got involved on here (the internet, or the web, or whatever the fuck ya call it) I thought it was strange when my friends would be talking about people they never met like they would be talking about me. Now I understand. Or not. I don't really KNOW anyone on here. Only what ya want me to know. That applies to me as well. You only know what I want you to know. So with this basic lack of information of the overall picture how am I supposed to make judgements, or develop feelings? Why am I even writing about this? None of it really matters. EXCEPT, that it does. Like it or not, some of you have become intimate friends of mine, some lovers, some just good friends, I'm talking in my real life. So the line has been blurred a bit. People that I used to only talk to on a computer are now having my babies, playing music with me, and being friends. Crazy, ain't it? The bottom line is that in 2004 I DO love people that I've never met. It's ok. I don't feel like some kind of sick freak for feeling that way anymore. Or ashamed. Fuck it man, I guess we're all one big fuckin family on here now. Kinda like high school, in a way? Still shufflin' off into our little cliques, just human nature I guess. One huge-ass fuckin high school. OK, if you've gone this far, you really need help. lol Here's a song for ya: Cold Bleak Season lyrics and music by bub 1999 Laying on my bed Staring at the ceiling As the clock tic-tocs To the time of my empty heart Tick-tick-tickin' away And you are the reason For this cold bleak season The sun won't shine The leaves aren't changing Baby, please come back to me Cuz I'm missing you like crazy Feel so bad when you're not around I'm loving you so madly Feel like breaking down Feel like breaking down Feel like breaking down Gazing at the t.v. Staring at a blank screen As the rain comes down And floods my clouded dreams pit-pat-pitting away And you are the reason For this cold bleak season The sun won't shine The leaves aren't changing Baby, please come back to me Cuz I'm missing you like crazy Feel so bad when you're not around I'm loving you so madly Feel like breaking down Feel like breaking down Feel like breaking down

2004-01-18 - 9:33 p.m.

Just kickin it on a sunday evening. Spent the last couple of days over at my daddy's in El Cajon. He lives with his brother out there and they keep each other company. My Dad is 74 and My Uncle Bert is over 80. They both lost the loves of their life the last couple of years. But they are some funny son's of a bitch. (OK, maybe that's not a good term since I am talkin' bout my grandma.) My dad is always trying to feed me which as of late I don't mind cuz I lost about 45 pounds while I was on my little dope run. I've gotten back about 15 of them, I feel better. I took the bus up to Barona (Indian Casino) and these cute, older (lol, older maybe my age or a couple of years older) were flirting with me telling me how they wanted to take me home with them. I was a little embarrassed but it felt good to be noticed. Got my butt kicked up there, came home and actually ran a mile and a half today. I heard that running you could get a rush from it (I guess it releases endorphines, and I'm all for that) and I did feel pretty good afterwards. Went to the grocery store and got food for the week (a rarity for me, I'm usually starving by thursday, lol). Ok, that's my dull life for the day. I promise I'll get into something exciting this week, Y'all can live vicariously through me. Later...

2004-01-16 - 8:13 a.m.

ok, new song: (actually one I've been workin' on for oh, I don't know 6 months now?) It usually doesn't take this long to do but I've had a little writers block the last few months.

I stand outside your door

I'm knockin on your heart

I'm crawlin through your dreams

Be my superstar

And take my hand you'll see

I'll lead you far away

From everything you know

From everything you've known

A rocket to the sky

That burst just like a star

Desert sky we'll fade

Back to the earth once more

Chorus: (I'm finishing this part right now goddammit! I'm tired of fuckin with it!)

You coulda had me for a song and dance

Take me down let's skip romance

You won't break my heart

You coulda saved me for a rainy day

but ya spent my trust and hope anyway

Now there's nothing in my heart

my heart

my heart...

- bub 2004

2004-01-15 - 8:28 p.m.

Alrighty, having a decent week. Work is really slow but that may be more me than work. I'm a little ADD right now as far as work goes. I got my acoustic guitar back yesterday. First time that I have played since I have been clean. It felt good. Real good. Like I remember. Played with ronnie and it was a little rough at times but sometimes it was just magic again. The real fucked up part about the whole day is that he beat me 2 out of 3 games in ps2 madden 2003. _____ and I have been missing each other (as in, not being able to contact each other, NOTHING to do with feelings! lmao). Talked to her tonight and she was going to hang out with her friend and I told her that I wanted to have the both of them. Is that so wrong? If ya don't ask, you don't get.... of course, I might not get anything now. Doh! I have to make one amendment to my last post. All of that shit goes right out the window as soon as I find someone that makes my heart skip a beat, makes me want to send them flowers and leave little messages on their answering machine that are both cute and funny. Thanks Groovebunny, for reminding me that in the end I am really a hopeless romantic. With a deviant sex drive. Nice. I'm durn fucked up like a soup sandwich. Must...get...therapy... I guess I haven't mentioned much about my kids lately so here is there little update. Rachel is off drugs, not dating the drug dealer, and is living at home. Very nice. Gracie, my little honeybabysweetie, is her little spongebob lovin self. I live so close to her now that I can throw a rock through all of her mother's fuckin' windows! As I told her mother. She laughed. Things are good. The sun is shining and my people are smiling again. At me. Makes my eyes water just typing it. For real.

2004-01-12 - 5:01 p.m.

This will probably be my first non "what I've been doing today" post. Here's the subject. I am a deviant sex freak. Here's what I want out of someone I'm fucking:

1. Don't tell me you love me. Or that you even think that I'm better than anyone else you've ever been with. I don't want to hear it. First off, I'm instantly going to think that you are lying to me, and second, I don't need that kind of pressure.

2. Please, don't be coy. If we are watching a porn movie and you are getting turned on by the giant cock banging the pretty girl into unconscious bliss, you don't have to NOT watch it because I'm going to feel inferior or think that you don't care about me. It's NATURAL to be turned by beautiful sexy people fucking on screen. I'm down wid it. I WANT you to be turned on by it. That's why I'm watching it with you.

3. Please, for god's sake, let me know what DOES turn you on. My goal in having sex with you 90% to 95% of the time is not to get myself off. The real turn on for me is watching you get off. Maybe I'm alone in that and that's why most women won't tell you until you practically drag it out of them or stumble on to it by trial and error. If you're with me you already know that I'm not shy or offended easily by anything sexual, especially a fantasy. If you get turned on by watching huge black dicks taking turns on a girl while you are getting fucked by a Peter North replica vibrating, twisting dildo (God, I loved that girl) just let me know. If it's something I'm not down with (like the girl that wanted me to pretend I was her daddy and do simulated rape with her, sorry maybe that's my line) I'll let you know that hey that's cool, but I just can't do it.

4. I love sex. I hope that you love sex also. Don't pretend that you love sex just to get me to be your boy and then all of a sudden decide that it's a better punitive action by witholding it when things aren't going your way. That's a definite "I'm outta here" for sure.

5. I love to make you cum as much as possible. Maybe sometimes I don't realize my own, hmmm... duration capabilities? If it gets to the point where it's starting to hurt, or you're just too tired to go on, or just need a break for a glass of water or to go to the bathroom, let me know. I won't be offended. Once again, I understand that maybe I can be just a little too obsessive and compulsive that I don't realize that it's been going on that long. I just like to watch and feel you cum.

Ok, that's it. got it out of my system...

2004-01-11 - 1:41 p.m.

Ok, I'm back at home. Had a good time last night with ______. We went and got some chinese before the meeting. Then went there and afterwards went to her brother's b-day party. That was fun, played some taboo and got to hang out with a lot of friends. Sometimes I just want to kick myself, wondering why I gave all that up just so I could get loaded. Blah, blah, blah. Went to ______ after the party and had some good sex. I think I may have a sexual problem. Not performing. Just getting turned on enought to cum when there isn't a whole bunch of freaky shit going on. What is that all about? I've damaged myself with all the freaky sex shit that I am into. And that I was getting to act on when I was drinking. It's not bad things, not much more than sirkeljerk writes about, I just feel a little wierd when I am clean trying to introduce it into a new relationship. And believe me, _____ is quite the freak herself. I don't know. It's frustrating. Sayanora, the NFL is calling my name....

2004-01-11 - 8:17 a.m.

I am typing from _____'s. We are talking about porn. I was gonna type an entry but it looks like I'm a goin' back to bed. Mr. Winkie is at full attention. Gotta go!

2004-01-08 - 11:10 p.m.

It's a little after 11 and I'm just getting in. I'm tired so I'll keep it short. Went out with _____ tonight. We went to an NA meeting and then went back to her place. She has a real cool studio in PB. This girl has totally done a 180 degree. She's confident, sexy, fun, I was really impressed. We started off just kissing on her bed and then things just took off from there. She gives great head and I wanted to return the favor but before I could she was already climbing on top of my dick. Great sex, like always with her. Really, the nice part was just what an awesome girl she has become. She always came across as kinda needy and desperate when we were together before. She was definitely da bomb chick tonight. We'll see what happens from here but we are supposed to hang out on saturday, maybe go to mexico for a friend's party or just goof off. Alright, I am going to go to sleep. Night-night!

2004-01-07 - 9:27 p.m.

I love naps! There's this wierd feeling I get when I wake up from them like I am late for something but not sure what. Then the world comes flooding back to me and I just lay quietly, taking it all in. Talked to an old flame this afternoon, I don't know if I am being fair because I know that she adores me. We had great sex, got along great, the only real problem was that she was too flaky. That makes me crazy. She is clean now too and looked real good at the New Year's Eve party I went to. Hmm, shall I give her a name or is that a jinx? We are supposed to hang out on saturday, maybe go to mexico for a party. Maybe hang out tomorrow also. I'm kinda horny (ok, alot horny! lol), hope my decisions aren't being influenced by this. In other news, my oldest daughter seems to be getting her shit together which is nice. Should I post lyrics up on here again? I haven't done it in awhile. Hmmm.... I'll give it a shot, stop me if you've heard these before...

Falling All Over Myself

words & music by bub

(fuck 66ohm! j/k)

I'm falling all over myself

Wondering what to do

How to get next to you

And struggling to find the words

To keep you here

Cuz you are the sweetest thing

You are the luscious fruit

You are the sweetest thing

I've tasted in years

I'm crawling through your desert

Can you quench my thirst now, sugar

I'm parched from the sun

Can I rest in your cool, cool shade

I'm falling all over myself

Suffering like a fool

Don't know what to say or do

And fighting to stop the words

That push you away

Cuz you are the coldest thing

You are the bitter fruit

You are the coldest thing

I've swallowed in years

You're crawling through my desert

Can I quench your thirst now, sugar

You're parched from the sun

Come rest in my cool, cool shade

I'm blinded by your icestorm

Can you help me see the light

I'm cold to the marrow

Come warm my bones tonight

I'm falling all over myself

2004-01-07 - 1:05 p.m.

Check it out! I am off work early and that feels good! Getting ready to take a lovely nap for the first time in months. Got a "I don't think that this is working out" letter from Angel today. I would have to agree with her. She's putting way too much into all of this than I want to have to deal with. I want someone that isn't going to analyze everything that happens between us to death! What happened to the old days, when it was just "ugh, I am man. Me-ums like you." girl: "ugh, me-ums like you too." Then you just go from there. Now there seems to be a whole pre-screening process that goes along with everything. What - EVER! Anyway, I'm not too bummed just me-ums ego hurt a little, but not that much! I just wanna have fun! Like Cyndi Lauper! Except that I'm a boy, I think...

2004-01-05 - 11:13 p.m.

I'm going to bed but before I do I just have to comment on how badly I'm jonesin' for a groovebunny entry. Please come back! I miss you! Hope this ain't some new year's resolution. "This year I will not write in my diary." Anyway, that is my public pleading, going to sleep now...nite!

2004-01-05 - 7:17 p.m.

Hmmm, not a lot of updating going on, is there some kind of diary strike that I wasn't let in on? Had a great weekend, found a new place to live and went on my date with Angel on saturday. Had a good time with her, I only let her touch it through my pants. LOL. I said next time if she's good I'll let her touch it for real. I'm a tease sometimes. She said that her panties were such a mess that she had to throw them away. I said "say that about 15 more times into my answering machine so I have something to think about when I'm spanking it!" I really shouldn't say everything I think. I like my new place, it rocks! I'm very close to Grace over here so I went and visited her tonight and told Michelle what a miserable, lonely woman she is going to be when she gets old. She wasn't buying it. lol. I think the scare tactics aren't going to work with her. Talked to the Alabama squirter, was civil towards her, she wanted to know what I wanted to name the baby, I said "Why don't you name it Jamie, after it's dad!" referring to her x. She said that I was mean and I said yes I am, and that I'm also bitter too. And maybe a little sarcastic. But it's still better than being miserable. I called her a couple of hours later and her dad said that she took off with him again. What a dumb-ass! I'm talking about her this time, not me, I wasn't biting on her bullshit today.

2004-01-02 - 11:35 p.m.

Wow! Long day! Went to work and just pretty muched goofed off until we got paid. Found a new place to live, I just didn't feel like living where I was living, too many memories of bad stuff. Went and spent money like a drunken sailor today. I went and bought a bunch of new clothes so I had something to wear for my first official date with Angel tomorrow. She is the sweetest thing. I can talk to her on the phone for hours and it seems like minutes. On an interesting side note, I stayed at my friend Bridget's house last night and I showed her the patty pics. (Bridget might be the hottest girl that I know at the moment, by the way. Unfortunately, she's also one of my really good friend's x'es so she is off limits for a couple of years or until my friend marries.) She was asking me if I had any pics like that and I said no, and she said that she had a polaroid and I blushed and laughed. I told her she needed to get one of those extra wide lens if she wanted to take those pics. Lol. But then I started thinking about it, I'm definitely not embarrased of nudity, I'm kindofan exhibitionist, and it's something I've never done before. What the hell...maybe I'll take her up on it. That way I will have some pics to send Patty cuz I feel so indebted for the ones she sent me. Anyway, life is feeling good again, I saw Gracie today and that is always rad. I only live about a block away from her now so I can see her every day. I'm totally stoked. I was bad though a littl bit. I was kissing and hugging on Michelle, not in a "iwanafuckyou" way, but just in the way you do when you love someone and want to hold them close to you. That and she has the nicest non-surgically altered breasts I have ever seen, touched, suckled and cum on in my life. lol. Maybe that was too much info....

2004-01-01 - 5:40 p.m.

Ooohhh, my first entry of the new year! Well, 2004 has opened up as full as promise as any other, we'll see how that goes! Last night I went over to one of my friend's house to ring in the ne3w year. It was a lot of fun and I got to catch up with a lot of people that I hadn't talked to in almost a year. It was nice. Did a little karaoke and played some taboo (boys vs. girls) and then we had some cake and ice cream. lol. j/k. It's nice to wake up on January 1st and remember what I did the night before. I guess. Saw a couple of girls that I used to date and that was ok. One of the girls was the one who inspired me to write a bunch of songs. It was good to see her. She's still rad but doesn't have the hold on me she used to. I am more concerned about Angel right now. I think she was bummed when I said I was going to hang out with my friends and not her. But it's like I told her, I just want it to be right and not start off all screwed up. Is that so wrong? What was really nice was getting back to Miriam's house and looking in my e-mail and finding some pics from Patty! OMG, that was so rad! She is the first girl that I have had sex with this year (if you know what I mean, it rhymes with slap-your-date). Thanks for the pics Patty, hope you had a great new years, as well as everyone else out there that takes the time to read my drivel. OK, I'm outta here, will write later....

2003-12-30 - 6:10 p.m.

I am finding a new world of public computing in a coffee shop. On this huge monitor. At Lestat's Coffeeshop! Wow! The monitor is absolutely huge and looks like a framed picture.(there is an actual frame around it). Very cool place to write. It does seem kinda, how do I put it, public though. And I am on a timer too. It feels like that I am kindof in some kind of competitive writing contest. oops, there goes another minute of the clock. I don't know if I like the idead of my goof off time actually being timed though. It doesn't really feel like goofing off. Or slacking. Because I am trying to get my slacker moneys worth. Bizarre. Anyway, still haven't gotten loaded though my teeth are killing me and parts of the day I feel like jumping out of my skin. arghhh... boy, sure was worth the 7 months of hell just to get to this point again. Hell without any r eal relief. But on a brighter note, I know that I will start feeling better in a couple of days. Tomorrow's new years and I am really hoping that I get to see ...hmmm. I have to give her a nickname to protect her anonymity. How 'bout angel? That works. I'm hoping that I get to hang out with Angel tomorrow night. She fuckin rocks! How nice to think something good about someone of the opposite sex that I'm interested in... Ok, I am waiting for Miriam to come pick me to take me to a meeting. I really didn't want to go to one tonight but I couldn't wrangle my way out of it. It's actually a better thing for me to go. I am just lazy and tired and not feeling that great due to withdrawals. But I will feel better soon. I hope. The sooner the better! Lates!

2003-12-29 - 11:00 p.m.

I think it's funny that all is quiet on my buddy list and I am ready to type up a storm! Here we go, ya ready?

1. How bout this? you know that wimpy bub guy, the one that always caves in whenever alabama calls, blinking her big ol' baby blues at me? Well, that ol' bub musta done gone off his meds. He told that girl that he didn't want a damn thing to do with her anymore. That he thought it was entirely possible that the baby might not be his (to the shock of the afformentioned former slave state); and that even if he was the dad of the aformentioned child in question he didn't want nothin' to do with her either way! What's up with that?

2. Bein' clean is just a strange trip unto itself. Today I had flashes of anger and despair and joy and all sorts of stuff that I haven't felt in a long time. So long in fact that even the bad feelings felt kinda good cuz it was intense. And ya know that I love intense anything! lol

3. God may have sent me an angel. I'm not sure about this but stranger things have happened. And what a cute angel I might add! Will talk more about her later...

4. Coming off a seven month speed run sure as hell fucks up your body chemistry. I get so tired sometimes that I feel like I am gonna drop to the floor. This too shall pass...but I've got to go lay down right now! lol

bybye

2003-12-29 - 7:34 a.m.

OMG! I'm clean! (things are going to get real interesting now!) no drugs, alcohol in 3 days....I'm tripping, will let you know more as I figure this all out again... oh, and I met a real cool girl also.. so good things seem to be happening..

2003-12-19 - 11:30 a.m.

I hate not having a computer! I had to break into someon'es house just to... just kidding! I'm doing a lot better this week than I have in months. I guess my acceptance level is up and my expectation level low which seems to help me with the old serenity level. Nothing has changed, except my attitude. Why? I think eventually that I just get sick of feeling sorry for myself and snap out of it. A real nice change that I have found is.... that I like to play music again! Just for music's sake, how 'bout that? I've been playing 2 to 3 hours a night and it has been real good for me. I think that after I stripped all the other superficial bullshit away (band members, shows, who's coming to watch me) I realized that I started liking the songs again. I started FEELING them again. They weren't just product anymore or song a or b or #4 in the set list. Ya know what, Fuck THAT! They were mine again, and I know it probably sounds weird but it's like getting your children back after everybody has been fuckin' putting their hands all over them for the last year. Maybe that was what my resentment was coming from. I don't know. The last couple of days I have been laughing and smiling and just generally being happy again. I'm thinkin' about going out and playin' open mic's after new year's. Just to play. Maybe touch someone. Like I used to before it all turned into bullshit. OK, I have to get back to work but before that here is a song that I wrote about 14 years ago for my oldest daughter (I was 15 at the time...lmao):

RACHEL

Rachel sits by the Christmas tree

Wondering where her daddy's gone

Seems he's never around no more

Seems he's been gone too long\

Chorus:

She don't know what's going on

Daddy don't live there anymore

She's too young to understand

He don't live there anymore

Rachel goes to the park to play

She climbs up on the swing

Ain't no one to push her

Least not the way Daddy did

Chorus

Rachel goes to sleep at night

Her prayers go unanswered

Mom gives her a hug and a kiss

She don't know what to say

- bub

2003-12-10 - 10:00 p.m.

I was going to write a real nasty diatribe about people who claim to be my friend yet tell information that I share privately with them to other friends that maybe I didn't want to tell. But it's pointless. I'm sure that I am as guilty of doing it as anyone. I'm starting to feel better about things, I think just writing down what I've been feeling and going through the last month has helped. I'm sure that my friends are sick of hearing my shit especially since I keep diving back into it voluntarily. The last week i've made a conserted effort not to let her slip back in. I feel like I'm kind of in limbo though. Ok, I tell you one thing that I have been digging. My friends (old and new) diaries. It's been so good to catch up on groovebunny's and pattymelt's diaries, they are my two favorites! I've also been digging the new folks entries too. OK, this is my diary so I can tell secrets in it also. Actually, I don't know if this is a secret but it's definitely something I've only told two people in my life about. A couple of fridays ago I got together with my friend the bartender at the bar that I frequent. I have totally dug her for so long, not just lustfully but just for the kick ass chick that she is! Here's the fucked up thing about it. She has a boyfriend. He's a good dude. We were in my bed (me and patty, not her boyfriend) and all of a sudden the devil was on one shoulder and the angel on the other. devil: "go ahead and do it bub! You deserve it after all of the bullshit you've been through the last couple of months! You've been wanting this to happen for how long? Almost a year? Don't be stupid!" The angel looked at me sweetly and his eyes looked directly into mine. Angel: "You should do it bub, the devil's right. But before you do it just think about how you felt when ya found out about Alabama. Go ahead, ya fuckin' hypocrite, you deserve it!" Grrrr... We didn't do it. Not because of some grand sense of honor and self rightousness. Because I just didn't want to do that to someone else. But I can tell ya this... it would have been really good.

2003-12-09 - 11:12 p.m.

check it out! two entries in a row! How 'bout that! I think that I am going to talk about my mental condition today, cuz I really don't have anyone to bounce this shit off of anymore. Or I don't feel like I do. That's part of the problem. Due to the whole Alabama situation, I feel like I'm havin' what they used to call in the old days a "nervous breakdown" ya know, like the rolling stones or black flag used to sing about. What is causing this? I think it comes down to thinking that what you thought was right, or better yet, more than thinking, believing that it is right and then come to find out that it was 180 degrees wrong and you were a sucker the whole time and you knew it in the back of your head but didn't want to admit, or then again, believe that the opposite was true and that the whole thing was going to eventually right itself and that you were going to look back at the events a year from now and laugh thinking how could I be so paranoid and delusional and I'm sorry honey that I thought those things about you but you know all the evidence pointed to it and I know that you told me that you loved me and hated him but I couldn't believe it because you kept dissapearing with him for weeks and then come back and fuck me for a couple of days and make me believe in you and us again only to pull the fuckin football away from me as I lined up for the kickoff once again and it made me crazy and now I find out that you really did love me and we are a going to be happy together although once again all the evidence points to you fuckin me over again and again it didn't work out that way and now I can laugh at my friends and say see I told you so she really loves me see she really cares and you thought that she was just some whore out to ruin me and how can you guys be my real friends when you are telling me this kind of stuff that makes me crazy and hurts my self esteem and...

That's just a small glimpse into the thoughts that keep running through my head constantly, day and night. Drinking just alleviates it temporarily and in the morning is twice as bad. Gambling seems to work well in taking my mind off of things but is definitely a lot more expensive. Because I don't play to win. I play to lose. I am a compulsive loser. If I won 20 grand in a night I would give it right back because I don't want to win. I want to be miserable. In survival mode. Because when I am like that I can cope. It pushes my thoughts away and makes me think about the basics. Food. Shelter. What I really want. What I miss. What I regret. What I fear. I am getting a couple of hours of relief a day, why the other day I actually laughed from my belly at something somebody said. It had been awhile. I actually broke into a smile. It hurt a little cuz my facial muscles that form my smile are out of shape. But in that one moment, for that one second of time, I felt human.

2003-12-09 - 12:08 a.m.

Hey there, long time, no type! I don't have easy access to a computer right now. Hopefully I will be able to remedy that situation soon. I don't have a t.v. either. I am like technologically primitive. And you know what? it hasn't been that bad. Did I mention that Alabama (the girl) is the sickest fuckin' freak that I have ever met? It's TRUE! She sure loves to fuck with me, that's for sure. On a brighter note, it looks like 66ohm's days are numbered. At least in it's present lineup. That's ok too. I'm tired of having to constantly apologize for my life and all the ensuing chaos that goes on around it. Besides, with some of the situations I have going on, it seems kind of irrelevant. BUT, I have been playin'. Alot. I want to be a good guitarist again. I'm not bad, but playing in a four piece and singing I didn't really do that much playing. Carrying the song and that kind of thing unless Ron was playing a solo. What I would really like to do is find someone that can also sing and play. The one thing that I wasn't diggin' about our band and a couple other guys pointed out to me was that my songs (YEAH, MY songs, it sounds so wierd to say errr.. type it) are begging for harmonies and no one else could sing. Or practice either, for that matter. Enough bitching, good things are that Stef isn't affecting me on a daily basis anymore, I'm just fucked up about it cuz I can't believe that anyone could lie to me as much as she was.It was making me think that maybe I was crazy. Every day I just pray that I don't hear from her until the baby is born. Then I might have a new hobby. full time Dad. I'm scared. I really am. Sometimes I hope that it's not mine. What's really funny is that my friends bring that up more than I do. Like it would give me an out from the unrelenting evil that is that child's mother. ummm.... Internet dating? I think my experiment is over. Bad news. Hold on, I said I was going to be positive. And I'm going on way too long. p.s. Gracie is my little love bug. She gets me through the times when I don't think I want to do this whole life thing anymore. I'm not suicidal but I could see myself walking across the border and just sleeping for a couple of years. A couple years of sleep would do me good.

2003-11-03 - 9:52 p.m.

It's monday night. The last night in my yuppie apartment in Mission Valley. I'm gonna miss Klondike, John's dog. I'm gonna miss John too. He was a good roomate. Never judged me or gave me a hard time about all the things that have been going on in my life. And he told me pretty much the same thing. Michelle and Gracie helped me move my stuff down to south park. Lol. Yes, that's what the area that I'm moving too is called. Also called Golden Hill, Just east and up the hill from downtown. It's a pretty cool, funky area. Lots of musicians and artists and junkies and young families mixing about. Makes for a great neighborhood. The house itself is one of the older houses that there are alot of in that neighborhood. It was cool and quiet when I walked in, and dark! No lights and steep stairs, better be careful when I'm drinking! My new roomate has 2 labs and they seem quite sweet. The neighbors below (the ones who I housesat back in february for that turned me on to the place) were really excited to see me. That felt really good. They loved Grace and have a 4 year old girl also. I could tell they were both excited about having someone new to play with. So I'm stoked about the place, just have to get used to a different routine. Stef dissapeared again (this time her dad called me to let me know, I guess he is sick of this bullshit, and figures I'm a decent guy and deserve to know the truth) She ran off with the ex-husband again. When am I gonna get it through my head that this girl is no good for me. sigh. I think if she didn't call me and just left me alone that I would be fine. It's her calling me and making me feel like she really means it this time. I'm starting to sound like an abused person here, aren't I? Maybe I am... Maybe I am..

2003-10-31 - 7:15 p.m.

I'm alive! The fire didn't get that close to me relatively speaking. I have so much going on in my life these last couple of weeks I haven't had a chance to update. I also realized that I am in San Diego and so I should at least post a note letting you know that I haven't burnt to death. Then I saw that Groovebunny hasn't posted and now I'm worried about her. It's been pretty tragic this week. Sometimes I feel guilty as well as grateful when it's not me whose house is burning down. And all of my family is ok too. Playing a show tomorrow night at The California Club. We decided just to donate the door to the victims fund. If you would like to do so also please check out my band website at http://www.66ohm.com. I linked up information on there so if people couldn't make the show at least they could help. OK, I have to get something to eat. Will fill in more later.

2003-10-18 - 4:53 p.m.

Just wanted to type in here real quick cuz I haven't updated too much this week. Alabama is back in my life again, don't know how to feel about that. The Golden Hill house is starting to look pretty good. Work is slow. Show at the California Club on Nov. 1st. We will be 666 ohm that night! Alright, I have got's to go and get me some starbuck's.

2003-10-14 - 6:08 p.m.

hmmm.. How do I start this? So life was starting to even out again, work was going well, home life good, band ok. Guess who shows up at my door last night? You got it. Alabama. In the flesh. Grrrr... Her friend came up to the door to get me and I walked down there to tell her why can't she leave me the fuck alone. Yep, that was what I was going to do. But then I saw her. She has the bluest of blue eyes. Everytime I see them she melts me. But I hung in there. I was strong. (thank god my roomate was home! I'm much stronger when there is someone there to roast me later.) I told her that she had made her choice and I was over it. That I do care about her but that I don't need the heartache. She was crying and saying she was sorry and that she couldn't help it, it was the drugs. Then she wanted me to take off with her and her friend to do god-knows-what. I said.... no. Nope. Can't do it. I really want to do it. My body is screaming for me to do it. And I didn't. She left. I walked back upstairs to the apartment kind of smug and self assured. I smiled at John and said "Told her to go the hell on....". He laughed and we did the guy thing acting like it didn't matter, that it was too bad she didn't stick around so she could have cleaned the house, that kind of thing. Went into my room and just sat there. not bummed. Just worn. I felt old. This thing the last couple of months has sucked a lot of life out of me. And I was feeling it. And missing her. I went to sleep. Woke up this morning and went to work, kind of a lousy day, I wasn't into it. Who shows up at about 1pm? You guessed it. I wasn't so lucky or tough this time. I knew that she could give me some immediate gratification to make up for the last couple of days I was having. Thinking with my dick leads me to these kinds of reasonings. Took her home and had great sex. Now she left. I'm alone. Again. Wondering.

2003-10-11 - 7:52 p.m.

Saturday and here I am, hibernating at the house. Didn't do anything last night either. I haven't felt that much like going out lately unless I have to. Didn't do much of anything today. My teenager was supposed to come stay the night and she bailed out. I might have a lead on a house in Golden Hill in a roomate situation. From what I understand, the guy is real cool and has just had a run of real terrible roomates. Now me, on the other hand, have run through a string of great ones. Maybe that's cuz I'm pretty good my own damn self. OK, truth. I am really lonely right now. Don't know why, the feeling has just been coming over me the last couple of minutes. Sometimes when I'm typing this I am forced to think of what is really going on and there's things that I feel so powerless over that they overwhelm me if I let them. Alright, I am going to go now, maybe walk around the neighborhood....

2003-10-09 - 9:31 p.m.

Just writing to write. Nothing much interesting going on around this neck of the woods. Been a whole lot of work and no play for ol' bub. I don't mind really. It's taken my mind out of the thinking about Alabama mode. I've actually gone hours without even giving the situation a thought. The girl that works for me is cute. And flirty. Just what I need, some more drama. I've been talking to Grace's mom alot lately. It's been nice. She has been really kind to me about the whole mess with Alabama. She knows I'm hurting and has just called to see how I'm doing, which is way above the call of duty for the dad of her baby. And it's not that she wants to get with me or anything, I mean I think she still loves me, she just doesn't want to have to care (like emotionally) for someone other than her children. How 'bout this. I KNOW she loves me. She just doesn't want to be put in the position to be hurt. She hasn't dated anyone since she had Gracie (I don't know if she has had sex with anyone, but she ain't telling if she did, lol). I think I would be crushed if she ever did start dating someone else. It's funny how I expect her to not to be with anyone while I am running around with my zipper undone most of the time. Well, not lately. Here's something I should probably keep to myself but this is my diary so what the fuck! When I masturbate, It's always her that I think of at the moment I cum. And it's still the best. There have been times when I have been with a girl that I wasn't that crazy about and just closed my eyes and pretended it was her. Except for Alabama. She was a force in her own right. I've been really horny lately.. hmmm can you tell? But see, it's not just about the sex for me. Like I've said before, it's the intimacy that I'm craving. That feeling that you actually have something with another person that no one else has. And it's all bullshit. Because they HAVE had it with someone else. You're just the latest. There's someone else right behind you. Next. Take a number and wait. I think that's why we always ask so many questions about our lover's prior relationships. We, at least I, want to know what is special about me to them. Just want a small corner of special that no one else has. Is it the way I look, the way I fuck, the size of my dick, the way I look at you, what separates me from all the others? Usually my dick. Just kidding... maybe.

2003-10-09 - 9:31 p.m.

2003-10-07 - 8:05 p.m.

I'm just writing to write. Nothing that interesting is going on. Been really trying to bear down at work since I will be moving in a month and have to find a place to live. I'm kinda bummed, I'm really getting spoiled living in the lap of luxury that is Mission Valley. Everyone is so pretty and nice that it kinda softens you up to the reality that is waiting for me up on the mesa. Oh well, I am pretty adaptable, I'm sure I will be fine. I guess this is my update. Wow, hope ya didn't waste much of your time reading it. lol.

2003-10-05 - 3:28 p.m.

Another good show. That's 2 in a row! Had a good time, got kinda fucked up but not in a bad way. All the bands did well. The Buttons were pretty good. They were kindofa power pop band with some good hooks and catchy singalong choruses. Bastards of Glory played a good set. Not really my kind of music but they had good harmonies and were tight. We got up next and played pretty well, at least we had a good time. Down With Leo followed us and as usual played a great set. It doesn't matter if those guys are playing in front of 5 people or 500, they come out and rock no matter what. There's alot to be said for that. Woke up this morning with a slight hangover, went and had a delicious Starbucks Vente mocha (no mint) and something to eat. Felt much better. I am still on my chargers boycott. I did catch a couple of minutes of the 3rd quarter when my roomate came home. I'm feeling a little squirelly today. Don't know why. I'm sure part of it is that I have to get ready to move again and I have no idea where I am going to go. I think I'm kinda lonely too. I really don't feel like getting with anyone right now though. At least not in a boyfriend-girlfriend setting. Now maybe just some old fashioned sportfucking wouldn't be so bad. And I don't really even think it's the sex that I'm craving right now. It's more the intimacy. OK, got's to go work on the 66ohm site and get my mind off of me. bye!

2003-10-04 - 1:48 p.m.

I haven't had much to say the last week. I've been dealing with temporary poverty which I'm not so good with. It's not that I am always rich it's just that I always have enough money to do the things I want to do. I didn't have that luxury this week. Grace's mom had to bring ME food this week. Which I thought was real sweet, she didn't have to. Cowboy Ron (my guitar player) brought me cigs on Thursday cuz I didn't have any. I was bumming (and I never, ever do this) cigarettes off of guys at work this week. All of this has a drastic effect on my self-esteem. I was so happy to get paid on friday. The thing is, I don't have to suffer like this, my dad would give me anything I want if he has it. But sometimes I believe that suffering is good for the sould. Remind you that life CAN be just about surviving through a day. I am so spoiled rotten most of the time, I forget that life is not that easy for 90 percent of the people in this world. Probably more, but I haven't seen the research report. That's a joke.

That last paragraph was really hard for me to write. It's hard to admit (even in my anonymous, kinda)journal that I am not doing well. Especially at the time that I am going through it. That's why I didn't write about Stef while that was happening. It hurt too much to look at the reality of that situation. Alot of the time the only way you catch glimpses of the real truth is when I am a little buzzed. Alcohol works like truth serum on me. Even when I am typing. Went downtown this morning (took the trolley) and went and got my head shaved at the barber college. It only costs me $4.25 plus a tip and they do a pretty good job. I.E., they don't cut the hell out of me, like my boss does at work. I love downtown. It's the one place in san diego where wealth and poverty come together in one beautiful, colorful splash. I'm thinking of moving down there at the end of the month when the lease is up on the place I am living at now. Playing at Tio Leo's tonight with a couple of other bands, kinda looking forward to it, kinda not. Saw the pictures they did of us at http://www.sdmusicmatters.com and they came out alright. I hate looking at pictures of me. I feel like I am looking older all the time. Ok, off to play a little guitar and have a delicious beer (have to warm up for the show). ;)

2003-09-30 - 5:25 p.m.

Just checking in cuz I haven't written anything for a couple of days. Nothing really going on. Just working alot. I mean alot. I am so broke right now, broke like I haven't been in awhile. I had to pay my worker on friday and after her and child support and rent I had about 30 bucks to my name for the week and I spent that at Dream Street on Friday watching Down With Leo. Oh well, thank god I'm not a slave to money. Although I am a slave to cigarettes, alcohol, and lying, cheating women. lol. And ya got''s to have bling-bling to get any o'' dat shiznet! I am feeling pretty good though. I think I am finally (really this time) starting to get over the Alabama thing. I''ve been through so much traumatic shit in my life that I think I have the ability to get over things real fast. Some people would call it shock, I call it denial. Not the river in Egypt. Ok, must go watch giants game with my roomate now. bye!

2003-09-28 - 9:07 a.m.

Got's to get me some starbucks, got's to get me some starbucks, a nice frapuccino. Chargers-Raiders today! Not so exciting this year, two bad teams... ugh! Playing at Tio Leo's on the 4th of October, saturday. Bored and broke...

2003-09-26 - 3:41 p.m.

Friday... I am so tired. Went and had a couple drinks with the girl that works for me at The Cal Club after work. She was waiting for her boyfriend to pick her up and there is a bunch of leches in there (me included, lol) so I thought I would keep an eye out for her. Her boyfriend showed up and we were outside smoking and one of the old guys came up to me and said, "Hey, who is that girl? Is she your wife or something?" Me, a little buzzed, mutter "I wish" and instantly realized that I had just said in front of her boyfriend that I wish his girl was my wife. He's a jealous guy. "give me 3 steps, give me 3 steps mister....". I instantly looked at him and said, "Sorry 'bout that, didn't mean it like it sounded. That's all I need." I guess he mentioned it to her last night when they got home. Doh! I really didn't mean it like that (I think?), I was just trying to be funny, I forgot he was there. Oh well. Me and my big drunken mouth. Grace came over for a while this afternoon and we played cards and walked Klondike and played "red light, green light". I'm in a good mood after I see her. It's one of the few times that I feel whole. Going out to Dream Street tonight if I don't get stood up again. Might go check out my bartender Patty's party at the beach. No stef. Very good. Very good. Yeah, the weekend is here, let the good times rollllll!

2003-09-24 - 6:36 p.m.

Kind of a surreal day. It was cloudy and overcast over here in sunny San Diego. Went to work, went to the bar at noon and caught Patty the bartender up on all the latest in the whirlwind that is my life. I told her that I was a little dissapointed that Aimee the tuesday bartender had not given me my free birthday drink or spanking as Patty had promised the day earlier. So Patty gave me my drink and a wonderful birthday kiss. She is just the most perfect girl in the world for me. Unfortunately she is taken and her boyfriend is the coolest guy. dammit. When we get drunk (actually she) she tells anyone within earshot how if she wasn't with Lorenzo me and her would be together. I think she's probably right. For now, I just bide my time. I'm sure I will be doing that for a long while. Didn't hear from Alabama today, not that I thought I would. She just wanted to get fucked, got it, and went along her merry way. The thing is, I don't even really care anymore. Kind of hit the "I am powerless over this girl" point. I miss groovebunny. She has not been writing as much lately and I feel much poorer without her daily writing. I hope your doing well Charm, miss you. :(

2003-09-23 - 10:09 p.m.

Well, today was my birthday. Interesting day. Went to work and I was having a great day. I got a couple of deals for the new girl that I hired to work for me and was closing a few of my own. About 2:30 I went to get a pack of smokes up at the liquor store and I was walking back when I saw her car. In the work parking lot. All sorts of things were running through me as I was crossing the street. Should I just tell her to get the hell out of here? Ask her why if she wants him why the hell is she bothering with me? I walked up to the car and talked to her through the window. She looked nervous and she had a friend with her. She wished me a happy birthday and told me that she loved me and wanted to be with me. I told her if that was true she wouldn't have chosen him. The real crazy part about it is that I wasn't getting pissed, hurt, or anything. I was very calm and was just talking to her in a matter of fact tone about where she had been for the last 3 weeks. She told me that she was running with him doing the motel drug life. Her friend turned out to be some 19 year old homeless girl that looked pretty strung out. Sometimes I wonder how in the world that I get in these situations. The real sad part about the girl is that even though she was tweaked out when she started talking she turned out to be a pretty intelligent, articulate young woman. I was kinda shocked. To make a long story short I had her give me a ride home, told her that if she really wanted to be with me there were going to have to be a lot of changes, that if all she really wanted was someone to have sex with that is fine but don't throw all of the other bullshit in along with it. Then I took her into my room and just had great sex while her friend waited in the living room. I tried to pull a pattycake (lol) and have her friend join us but wasn't going to happen. I can be a real sick freak sometimes. I wanted to do it because I wanted to fuck her friend right in front of her and make her watch just to hurt her. But I didn't do it. I guess we can think whatever we want. It's our actions that count. But that sure was some wierd thinking. Anyway, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear bub, happy birthday to me.

2003-09-21 - 9:15 a.m.

I love sundays except for the way the Chargers have been playing. I hope we are not going to get crushed again. At least make it a game. In 66ohm news we played our first show with our new drummer down at Tio Leo's. Let me start this off by saying I am never happy with shows. I'm much too critical of myself. That said, We were pretty damned good last night. Great energy, I limited myself to a beer and a shot of Jim Beam right when we took the stage. The sound guy did a fantastic job (he usually does over there) so I was able to hear myself singing which is always nice. lol, that sounds kind of egotistical don't it? I mean it's nice to be able to stay in key. You know that a show is going well when you look down and you see people dancing. People you don't even know. To your originals. It felt really good. Satisfying. AND, we played with a band called 3 bad jacks. I didn't know this but the drummer was D.J. Bonebrake. He was (is) the drummer of X. X is perhaps my favorite band of all time, definitely top 5. They played the set after us and rocked. 3 bad jacks, not X. After they got done I was able to talk to him for a couple of minutes. I showed him my X tattoo on my wrist and thanked him for being a part of something that has meant so much to me. He was really cool and was nice enough to tell me how much he had enjoyed our set! It's pretty rare that I get star-struck but this was one of those times. If Exene had been there I wouldn't have been able to play. John, the new drummer, seemed to have had a good time and I hope we can make him a permanent addition, we had real great chemistry last night. It's the first time I can remember having fun playing in a long time. Definitely a great night. It might be a great day over here. I have to call to see if Gracie is coming over. So I can hug and kiss her. She hates it. So what. That's the best part of being a dad. I'm out...

2003-09-19 - 7:22 p.m.

Well, it's friday night and here I sit in front of a computer. Trying to figure out what to do tonight. I know I have to be kind of careful cuz of the show tomorrow. That means I can't get too wasted. I don't need to be drinking all weekend and then try to get on stage. Seems like a lot of folks are coming out to see us. It's been awhile. I'm a little scared to be honest with you. My throat is kinda sore and my chops aren't quite what they were before we stopped. Oh well. Grace came over and hung with me for a bit today and that was rad. My dog scares the hell out of her and rightfully so. I think that he thinks she is a big toy and wants to chew her up. I have to keep him in the kitchen when she comes over. Nothing to report on the romance side of things (which is probably a good thing). Been keeping to myself most of the time this week. Missing Stef kinda, you know, alabama. Somebody slap me upside the head. OUch. thanks. Survivor rocks! I thought last night's show was as good if not better than any of the other openers. Love Rupert, an everyman kind of guy. Probably won't win though. I was a little angry that they voted off the best breasts right off the bat. At least that I noticed. LOL. She blew it! fly under the radar! fly under the radar! Dont' make waves before the first council meeting. Guess she wasn't a brain surgeon. No older people on this show besides the scoutmaster and she doesn't seem much over 40. Wonder why? OK, I am going to go find something to do.

2003-09-19 - 7:22 p.m.

2003-09-17 - 10:05 p.m.

Went to practice today. It didn't go half bad. I need to go to sleep. Just thought I would check in. Must be a slow day.

2003-09-16 - 9:15 p.m.

Well, I went to get something to eat that night and ended up making out with a girl that was at the bar. Thank god I was just walking cuz I don't think I would have been able to drive to well. What was funny was it was the Islands bar and grill across from my house, which isn't where one such as I would normally find a girl that would be interested in me. I think she liked me cuz I was drunk and funny and a little bit dirty. lol. Today was great though. Went to work and then came home and Gracie's mom(michelle) came and picked me up to go to her school so we could bash open the pinata. I only knocked a couple of kids down in my pursuit of the tootsie rolls. Truth is, I love my little Gracie so much. And she loves me. She saw me walking up and her face just exploded with happiness. Literally shined. Mine must have too. She sat on my lap the whole time and introduced me to her friends and teachers. She was very excited and proud that I am her dad. It really made my day. Kind of have a little misty eyes right now just typing about it. Got home and then was off to do the photo shoot. Now typing that makes me just want to laugh. Makes me feel .... I don't know, prissy? It was cool and I looked a little strung out (from kicking the speed) and he made sure he got my tattoos in the picture. I did the whole no smile, just stare into the camera with my arms crossed pose. My friends in another band were laughing at me and making fun of me while I was doing this. I'll get ya, Down With Leo. But I think I must have had my sex on cuz these girls from another band were coming in and the drummer chick was totally giving me the stare. I stared back. Felt good, although I don't know why I have to get my self-esteem from what someone else thinks about me. I think cuz I just feel so rejected right now. And lied to. And maybe just a little used. Poor me. Pour me. Pour me a nice drink. One that will make me feel the way I did the first time I drank it. Good luck. Survivor on Thursday. Yeayyyy! Finally, some routine. Practice for the first time in two months tomorrow. Show on Saturday. Looks like we are going on early so I won't be able to get too smashed before we play. We have people coming out to review us. Ron's scared that the review is going to consist of my drunken antics. I hope not. Ugh!

2003-09-16 - 9:15 p.m.

2003-09-14 - 4:37 p.m.

Why does god hate me? what did I do? He leaves me here in god-forsaken San Diego with the worst sports franchises in the old U.S of A. My Chargers suck. Really bad. Another long season of people calling me and going "Is owen there?" and of course I would respond, "Owen who?" and I would inevitably here something like "0-12 muthafuckah! hahahahahahahahaha!" Lovely. Looking forward to it. Not to mention that my roomate is a huge Raiders fan. ugh. doh. doh. doh. It's not working. Maybe one more time. doh. Hmmm...maybe a little better. On a brighter note, Rachel and her mother made up and I won't have to take my poor abused child in. Gracie,(my almost-4 year old) had her big b-day bash at her grandparent's yesterday. (i'm not invited to that one, I have my own on her actual birthday, the 16th). She got a giant pony(well, not a real one but one that she can ride) and a bunch of other cool stuff. She seemed very happy and content for a 4 year old. Me and her mom are going to her school on Tuesday to bring a pinata for her and her classmates to smash to smithereens. Should be a lot of fun. I will push over all children in the way of the tootsie rolls. I am mean like that. I am off to get something to eat, I have consumed at least a six pack during the game on an empty stomach. Must get food.`

2003-09-14 - 11:41 a.m.

hmmm....I got stood up twice yesterday. Didn't get to make it to the show. First, Ron came over to go through the set and he was sick as a dog and didn't feel like going. So I called Steve and asked if he was still going and he said yes and then called me about an hour later to tell me that he wasn't going to be able to go. Something about being addicted to Grand Theft Auto. Can't blame him. So I sat at home feeling bad cuz I keep telling the girls that I am going to go to their show but never end up making it. I am a loser. lol. Today I'm going over to Scott and Julie's to watch the game and put back a few beerskis. Rachel called me and she is a mess.(my 15 year old going on 32 year old drug addict.) Her mom and her are majorly fighting and I got to hear about an hour of it last night. She was supposed to call me this morning but hasn't so I am assuming that everything is ok. ok. ok. Have to keep reminding myself that everything is ok, and that I don't have any control over it nohow. Allright, I'm off to get cleaned up.

2003-09-13 - 12:22 p.m.

Saturday. Cleaning the house. I feel better than I did last night. Ron and Steven are coming over this afternoon to jam. I'm kinda excited, haven't been playing with others much. After that we are going over to the Ken Club to watch Bragdoll play. It will be nice to get out. It's been awhile. At least it's been awhile going out without having a bunch of shit on my mind. Hopefully I won't get too fucked up. lol. I don't think I will. I have been trying to just keep it to beer. I only really get smashed when I start drinking the whiskey shots. I only do that when I'm not feeling that good about myself. I feel pretty o.k. so that shouldn't be a problem. But, ya never know... ;)

2003-09-12 - 10:12 p.m.

Am I broken

Have I finally done it

Point of no return

Hit the brakes too late

I feel empty tonight

Ghosts are haunting me

Taking me out of now

Slamming me back to those moments

That if I could I would forget

The words that she said

How I soaked it all up

Hook line & sinker

now I'm gasping for air in the dirt

I don't want to die

Just want to forget

Just want some relief

Just want to move on

It's not about being happy

I've been happy

It's not about being content

cuz most of the time I am

It's the feeling of being conned

Like waiting for the man when you

Just know he ain't coming back

Homer says "Doh!" and let's it go

Hmmm..... what the hell... Doh!

2003-09-12 - 3:32 p.m.

Awwww, Friday and I am off work early. I'm having a little trouble with not drinking. I was going to totally stop everything but I just love the way a beer makes me feel. and then another. lol. I guess I should do my eulogies now. I'm glad that Johnny Cash is dead. There. I said it. I get tired of people lamenting the deaths of very ill older people, or younger people, for that matter. I feel worse about John Ritter, there was someone who seemed to be in perfect health and the prime of life and just drops dead. Johny Cash was an older man who was very sick and probably missing June so damn much it was unbearable. That's what I want. I want to be in love with someone so much that if they die before me I can't go on. I am such a freak. I don't know if I have ever felt that way about someone. Close, but not like that. Back to my original thought(rambling). I had to watch my mom die of cancer for 9 months. If she could have died 3 months earlier and she could have avoided the pain that she felt at the end, the pain and the degredation as you can't take care of yourself, you slowly lose your mind from the painkillers. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Not even the squirter. On a brighter note, there are no survivors! REPEAT, NO SURVIVORS! No one gets out of here alive, so embrace today cuz it just might be your last. Although when things are bad sometimes it's hard to see. Glad I'm getting past that. And I still miss my mom. If you're readin this mama, I still think of you and love ya! I think you are...

2003-09-11 - 8:28 p.m.

I am so tired. I think I have most of this shit out of my system. It's been a lovely week of wanting to sleep but not to dream. Working on a couple of new songs (which is good). Heard from Alabama on tuesday. Told me she had gone to rehab for a week(lie), that she had been to a doctor(lie) and that she had an ultrasound(lie) and that she was having a boy(lie). Was kind enough to ask me how I was doing since I hadn't heard from her in a week. Told her that I had REALLY been kickin' and her responsed was "Oh, you didn't have to do that for me." I mean I know that I am self centered but c'mon, give me a break! I think she feels that the whole world revolves around her. Sad, just sad. On a good note, after she found out that I didn't have any shit and wasn't getting any, she said she had to go to the bathroom and would call me back in 5 minutes. that was tuesday at 2:30. It's thursday night. I think she must be confused. Just typing this makes me want to beat my head against the wall for being so stubborn. Stubborn to ignore everything because it was such great, dirty, nasty sex. That I haven't had for a week now. And my drive is coming back. Thank God. A week? Actually it is almost 2 weeks now without sex! OMG. Except with myself. And not to gay boy porn either. Pattymelt. lol. Have a show on the 20th at Tio Leo's. whoopee. Also doing an interview and photo shoot(lol, it sounds funny just to type photo shoot in relation to anything that I am doing) on tuesday with some new online music zine. www.sdmusicmatters.com There's my plug for them. They are going online in October. whoo-hooo. I want to be in love again. That's the hardest part. Just to have that feeling about someone was so nice. And then to get shit on is uh ah not so nice. Thank god I'm an eternal optimist. As my buddy Ron would say, "I can fall into a pile of shit and come up with a $20 bill between my teeth. Although I could use $100. But we dont always get what we want, but if we try sometime, we just might find, we get what we need. - Rolling Stones. I'm out!

2003-09-07 - 6:08 p.m.

I am bored. Tried to take a nap but just had nightmares about her. Don't want to watch the game with my raiders fan roomate. I feel like shit. Physically, mentally and spiritually. All I've got is hope. just a sliver, but I do have it. Thank god I'm an eternal optimist or I don't think I could do it.

2003-09-07 - 11:41 a.m.

O.K., can life get any worse? Chargers are getting killed in K.C., I am kicking speed (3days now) and it's hotter than hell over here. But besides that life's great! I really feel like shit right now. Can't believe that I let my life get this out of hand. I want something to fix me and nothing is going to do it. Why I think that women, drugs, prestige or anything else is going to make me feel better I don't know. Hopefully I'll get some new songs out of this which would be great. lol. Would rather not have the songs, would rather have life feeling normal again. I'm just lost like I haven't been in a long time. My daughter Rachel the 15 year old is now doing all sorts of crazy things, running away from home, doing drugs, having sex. argh! Things are fucked up like a soup sandwich. I guess I'm just using this journal right now to get some of this shit out of my head and onto something that maybe I can get some perspective on later. Hmmm, good thought for the day, there has to be one, how 'bout (I have sat here for about 2 minutes trying to think), I'm grateful that tomorrow it could all be different.

2003-09-06 - 8:51 p.m.

Look, 2 entries in one day, how bout that? I'm trying to get adjusted to not having someone to think about all the time, if that makes any sense. Trying not to call her, I've been doing good with that but when things slow down I get that impulse. I haven't given in so far, I know that she is just bad news. Should I tell you the story? There's lots of sex, drugs, lying, spying, and craziness involved. Not much rock n roll, but definitely right out of an old country/western tune. She done left me for another. And says she's pregnant. with my baby. While she is sleeping with another man. Lovely. lovely... lovely....

2003-09-06 - 4:12 p.m.

Ok, I am doing this just to get myself going again. It's been along time since I have updated this but I have been getting my ass kicked by the Alabama Squirter. Will tell ya more later on. You know, the gory details. Just glad to be in one piece.

2003-06-26 - 6:45 p.m.

I'm still alive, just not much internet access till now. stick with me! lol

2003-05-15 - 12:45 a.m.

Hi diary! What's that? Where the hell have I been for the last 5 days? I have been doing nothing really except staying in motel rooms and fucking. With a little work thrown in between. Alabama is busy rockin my world. I have had a lot of sex in my life but this is the best I have ever had. Really. I am addicted. It's all that I want to do or think about. I have to move. By next friday. I don't care. I did find a place to move to though, thank god! If my friend hadn't called me to offer me a place to go to I would have been fucked cuz I can't even think about searching for a place right now. Work is bad cuz I can't focus. Should I tell you diary how good this sex is in detail? I normally don't but it's midnight and I am missing it. This girl's pussy (sorry I couldn't put it in more attractive terms) is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. When she cums (which is a lot, like every minute, I'm not exaggerating) it squirts. In my mouth. On my fingers. All over my cock. She says this has never happened to her before. My ego wants to believe her but come on. And it's just not that. it's the way it contracts and squeezes and floods (which seems to be separate from the squirting). What have I been doing for the last 5 days? Making this girl cum as much as I can because I am just fascinated by it. Help. Please help me. Must get back to real life. Must rest.

2003-05-09 - 4:48 p.m.

Home on a friday afternoon. Lovely. Anna went to one of our friend's funeral up in Reno. She O.D.'ed on heroin. Lovely. The only time that I ever feel regret at the life that I have led is that I have met so many sad, wonderful, supernovas who's hearts are too fuckin big for this world. Racing through life at the speed of sound you're bound to hit a telephone pole sometime. I kind of jump off and on of that bandwagon. Guess I'm a chicken. But I'm an alive chicken so there's always hope. Goddamit. The world is a little darker, lonelier place without her in it. God bless her.

2003-05-08 - 11:41 p.m.

Did it! Did it! Did it! We are finally done with recording. Got the last 2 vocal tracks down plus redid the vocal part on One More Time. Sounds much better I think. Plus, I finished the last guitar tracks on Maybe. Now just a matter of mixing and mastering and they will be ready to go. Hopefully, by the end of the weekend. Had a good day today, work was fine, didn't have sex at all this whole day! I must be slipping. God, I am totally jonesing for it now. Before, when I hadn't had it in awhile I got used to it, but now I'm sprung! Oh well, maybe I will go out with Alabama this weekend, I am supposed to go see my bass player's other band and brag doll play at the california club on saturday. Should be a good time had by all! I also think this is the best survivor since the first one, lots of interesting characters. If Rob wins this he's going to go down as the best player ever, even better than Richard of survivor 1. Heidi lost her mind at the tribal council. She was behind half the action that was going on? the men were afraid of her? wha? I love the fact that Rob knocks people out and they want to shake his hand. Definitely, the ultimate player, maybe the next Adam Sandler...lol...passing out now!

2003-05-08 - 9:40 a.m.

Hey! Got back from vegas last night about 2:30 in the morning. What a trip! Sometimes I think that I am the luckiest man alive. Las Vegas girl was also way hotter than her pictures or even the webcam. That must be some new trend, where the women actually look better than the pictures that they send? The great thing was that she was really cool also. I mean, looks can take you only so far. She picked me up about 9:30 tuesday morning from John's house and we went directly over to her place. Really cool house, and an even more wonderful hot tub! We sat and talked on her couch for about an hour and then I couldn't stand it(I was really attracted to her physically, I love dark haired, brown eyed girls with curves, who doesn't I guess? lol) and I kissed her. That was all she wrote. The only time we left her bed over the next 24 hours was to relax in the hot tub. Outstanding! I was kinda bummed that it was such a short visit but I have to take care of things around here. Like finding a new place to live. Like finishing this recording. Like... I don't know, it went real well and if she lived here it would probably be on like donky kong! But she's not, and I'm alone, and I'm sprung on sex, I can feel it oozing out of me. Maybe that's not a good choice of words. I have to go to work now, bleh, but at least I can fill in Patty the bartender on all the details. I crack her up I think. I'm an open book too much of the time, oh well! Hi ho, Hi ho, it's off to work I go....

2003-05-04 - 9:09 p.m.

Damn, when it rains, it pours, so here's the new deal. I'm going to vegas tomorrow to meet this girl that I have been talking to online for about a year and a half. It was always just kinda like friends, she lived in maryland and I lived here in San Diego. Well, she moved to Vegas about 9 months ago and we would chat with each other every once in awhile, just normal, friendly stuff. I saw a couple of pictures of her and thought she was cute but that was about it. Well, through the wonders of modern technology, we both got web cams and we were talking on yahoo and used them and... now I think that we are in total lust with each other. At least I am. I think she is too! It's funny how you see somebody moving around and how they smile and ...jeez, listen to me, I sound like a 12 year old school girl! Anyway, my roomate and her boyfriend are going out there tomorrow and I decided to tag along and Diane wants me to come stay at her house for a couple of days. She owns a house out there with a hot tub so I think that I might be in for a wild time! I talked to Steph (the girl from last night) and told here that I had a business trip to vegas and I would be back in a couple of days. Now, I kinda feel like a dog but Diane(vegas girl) is so hot and I have been talking to her for a lot longer than I have been talking to Steph. Damn, two days ago, nothing. Today, an overbundance. Ain't life grand?

2003-05-04 - 3:04 p.m.

Ok, ok, I was gonna update y'all on the rest of my life but I had a quick news flash interruption! Taking Patty Melt's advice, I went on my first internet date last night. Wow! I'm thinking this is not so bad. I've been talking on and off with this girl for a couple of weeks on one of the dating services and she wanted to meet last night. Well, my car has been down and out for the last couple of months with a blown head gasket, so I had to cop to having no ride! Ugh! It's even hard just typing it on here..lol. So she says no problem, I'll come pick you up! Now, I don't know about y'all, but I started to get a little scared. I had seen a couple of pics of her but you know how that is, a lot of 10 year old pictures out there on the web, "oh, yeah, that WAS me 10 years ago, just out of high school!" the woman you meet looks like the girl in the picture's mother. Anyway, I just go to myself "what the hell, she is nice and she thinks I'M cute so beggars shouldn't be choosers." I brace myself for the worst.

Well, she pulls up in her new monte carlo about 8:30 and....

WOW! She looks about 100 times better than any of the pictures I'd seen of her, she has one of those gorgeous southern accents (I'm a sucker for southern girls), and I'm thinkin' to myself, there must be some kind of mistake. Then she says she doesn't want to drive and would it be ok if I drove her brand new car so she could drink because she didn't have her license on her. Being the gentleman that I am, I said surely I can drive you around while you get drunk! We went up to Dave & Buster's (only place I could think of that she could drink without getting carded, a little secret for all you non- id carrying people out there) and we were hanging out and she mentions that maybe we should go to Barona! Now, if you've been reading these entries at all you know that is one of my favorite things to do so at this point I'm definitely thinking soulmate!

We go up to barona for awhile and I can feel my gambling addiction kicking in so I say "you know, I would really like to hang out with you and maybe this is not the best place for me to do it" so we leave there and as I'm opening the door to the car we start kissing...and we get in the car and start doing other things,(nothing awful) and she, SHE, not me, suggests that maybe we can get a room for the night. Well, I blushed and said, "I'm really not that kind of boy, but as long as you stop when I say so, it might be ok" or words to that effect. Well, I'll spare ya'll the gory details but I got home about 9:45 am this morning with a big grin on my face and joy for the world! God bless the internet! Peace, I'm out!

2003-05-03 - 10:17 a.m.

Ok, I'm finally updating! It's been such a busy week that I haven't had time to a damn thing. The show at The California Club on Saturday was great! We went on a little later because one of the bands cancelled so we didn't actually hit the stage until about 11:30 at night. So that was 2 hours sitting in the bar without drinking! grrr... Once again I had problems with my a/b switch (it's the switch I use to change between my electric and acoustic guitars) it started cutting out on me on "One More Time"(the third song of our set). I must have been looking a little frustrated because all of a sudden the bartender walked up to the stage with a shot of Jack Daniel's from the sound guy (a really cool sound guy, nice dude). I threw that down the hatch and all of a sudden everything went right! Now, I don't want to say that alcohol had anything to do with us playing better(or more relaxed at lea